This weekend was rough. I have been having panic attacks during my pregnancy and they came to a head with me crying hysterically on the side of the road while Mark and Behr were out of town camping. I have been hesitant to call these mini-breakdowns anything since keeping my cool has never been a strong suit. But after reviewing their frequency and the triggers, things as silly as a long line or a malfunctioning safety pin, I am beginning to acknowledge that this is more than I can control.
When I was pregnant with Behr, the overall result was incredibly calming. I was a softer and gentler person, with remarkably less stress. I've been waiting for that this pregnancy...
At first I looked at my exhaustion during this pregnancy and viewed it as a result of chasing a toddler. Now I am accepting my crazy-mama, panic attacks, or anxiety, whatever you want to call these moments. I am no longer focusing on controlling them, but rather how to face this. I plan to talk to my OB, and some folks at church. In the mean time, I am experimenting with coping mechanisms. Recently I have begun to practice slow breathing before picking Behr up from daycare and beginning our commute home. I am trying to sleep in a position that relaxes my posture, less tight mussels, and consciously releasing my clenched jaw. And most significantly, I am clinging to the promises of God, especial Pslam 31:
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge...
Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God. - Psalm 31:1a, 3-5
I am holding on to promises.
I am also taking things bit by bit, embracing the simple joys. I am practicing prayers of thanksgiving and one of the things I am most grateful for is my growing family. My sweet family brings me great joy. Remembering the fun that Behr and I had spinning in the park at Esplanade has been a recent encouragement to me, and I am so grateful that Mark took a million pictures so I could make this mini-animation. I am also grateful for our friend Mike who spun Behr and I around!
I am clinging to God's promises for me.