The Fog, Being Vulnerable


My head is in a fog. I can't seem to poke through to the clear sky I know is above. Its a smothering kind of feeling, but subtle. If I don't pay attention it feels as though I might just permanently get lost. And then I realize, that I am trying to do it on my own. I am fighting those who are there to help. I am running away from all I know is true and trying to grasp all that I hold dear.

My first co-workers, at my very first real-life-list-on-your-resume job, coined it the "Shannon Shame Spiral." I get a bit worked up and get spun around so that I can't tell which way is up and what is right anymore. Bless them for making me laugh at my insecurity, for giving me confidence.

Bless them for being dead on right.

///

This week has been a shame spiral.
We are traveling three of the next four weekends.
Two of my very dearest friends are leaving DC.
Leaving for places far enough away that there is not a promise of frequent visits.
I have major projects going on at work.
The olympics are making me cry every time I turn on the television.
I so desperately struggle to find the balance of being confident in the reasons why I work a traditional job and yearning to play hookey, run away from it all and spend my days at a park with Behr.


In the struggle of balance
I ignore my son.
He is what I want to hold most dear,
but in protecting my own heart I hold him loosely.
It is illogical and makes my head hurt.
It is called coping.
I need a better solution.

Behr's second summer is slipping away. We have spend ONE DAY all summer that felt the way summer should. The rest of the days felt caught in the shuffle. He's cranky, its hot, someone missed a nap, the to-do list doesn't end.

I want to stop everything and love my family. 

///

And so my head is in a fog. I am also still finding my long lost way in this world of blogging. I received an email yesterday that stung. It criticized me for using readers, they did not like my post about a sale I shared. But here is the thing, if you were a friend who came over my house for dinner, I probably would have a few coupons set aside, maybe a magazine article, and certainly a deal waiting for you. I like to give gifts to people - one of my favorite gifts is discount codes, sales, or store credit somewhere. I love the thrill of the deal. So that is why I share with you. You are my friends. I would invite you all over for dinner if I could. The email did not help clear the fog.

How is that for a random Thursday post? I may or may not post tomorrow. But there is definitely a Saturday Shoes around the bend.

14 comments:

  1. you keep doing what you're doing, lady. haters gonna hate, and they can take that hate elsewhere, no?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Not commented before, but I just have to say that I agree with kkp, 'haters gonna hate' and they certainly should take that hate elsewhere!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh love, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. And I'm so sorry someone took your generosity as some sort of a rouse. Do NOT let them get you down. You are an amazing woman, and I'm so happy to call you my friend.

    Also, how did we both get the memo to post serious stuff today? Our ESP is alarming ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I liked it. From both of you. Glad you shared! :)

      Delete
  4. You are so awesome, and sometimes life is just rough. Thank you for being so open about your feelings, while I wish you were not in the shame spiral, I am glad I am not the only one who has the thoughts and feelings you express so eloquently (despite their suckiness).

    And to the hater? Don't mess with our lady.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I want you to know that you're not alone and that it won't always be like this. Those are two of the biggest lies the enemy of our souls tells us, so we believe we have to hide our struggles because nobody will understand and we believe we have to just find a way to cope because things will never change. You're clearly not believing the lies, and I just want to affirm you for it. It's still a struggle, no matter what. Even if you got to play hooky every day and take Behr to water parks and give him ice cream every day, you'd have something else to tempt you into the shame spiral. It's not you, it's life. And it's a life I'm blessed to have you as a friend in. Praying for you and hope you get some sweet snuggles in to soothe your soul.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are definitely not alone... Just yesterday I was so frustrated at Drew and then almost instantly felt that I should have been more gracious, more giving, more of the mom he needs. After all, he's only one and a half. And those emails people send because they can be mostly anonymous, THEY ARE AWFUL and thoughtless. I'm sorry your friends are leaving and that it's been rough. :(

    ReplyDelete
  7. sorry Shannon.
    wish we could have a good chat or hang out!
    If it makes you feel any better my summer days at the beach {on a Saturday or after work} are minus Caleb b/c he's studying. Can't wait for grad school to be OVER. And Anna C is sooo right! There's bound to be a brown spot on the green grass on the other side.
    xo.

    ReplyDelete
  8. my shananigans....dont forget, one of the many wonderful things you will teach your precious baby is how to take care of himself while he is taking care of others. it's what mom's have to do more than anyone else - balance those two things. so don't feel too guilty about "protecting" your own heart. you are an example to Behr of how to do both. just as your mama worries about you taking care of yourself, you will worry about Behr do the same (and perhaps he will worry about his children one day). so don't forget to take care of yourself and not feel too guilty about it. he loves you as much as you love him (and Mark too). oh yeah, i'm pretty fond of you too.... =P

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOVE YOU GIRL!!! Behr is lucky to have a momma like you, Mark is lucky to have a wife like you and nothing else matters

    ReplyDelete
  10. i get into times like this as well. take a week off from blogging and use the time that you would spend writing posts and do whatever you want or need to - even if it is just to veg out in front of the tv. i do this every so often - no explanation needed. we will still be here when you get back. feel better!

    http://lachapstickfanatique.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. I completely understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it's just necessary to step away from blogging, even if only for a day or to, and focus on getting rid of the fog. I really love the openness and honesty of your blog. Sending positive thoughts your way!

    ReplyDelete
  12. beautiful post, friend. one day at a time is my best piece of advice :)

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails