My head is in a fog. I can't seem to poke through to the clear sky I know is above. Its a smothering kind of feeling, but subtle. If I don't pay attention it feels as though I might just permanently get lost. And then I realize, that I am trying to do it on my own. I am fighting those who are there to help. I am running away from all I know is true and trying to grasp all that I hold dear.
My first co-workers, at my very first real-life-list-on-your-resume job, coined it the "Shannon Shame Spiral." I get a bit worked up and get spun around so that I can't tell which way is up and what is right anymore. Bless them for making me laugh at my insecurity, for giving me confidence.
Bless them for being dead on right.
This week has been a shame spiral.
We are traveling three of the next four weekends.
Two of my very dearest friends are leaving DC.
Leaving for places far enough away that there is not a promise of frequent visits.
I have major projects going on at work.
The olympics are making me cry every time I turn on the television.
I so desperately struggle to find the balance of being confident in the reasons why I work a traditional job and yearning to play hookey, run away from it all and spend my days at a park with Behr.
In the struggle of balance
I ignore my son.
He is what I want to hold most dear,
but in protecting my own heart I hold him loosely.
It is illogical and makes my head hurt.
It is called coping.
I need a better solution.
Behr's second summer is slipping away. We have spend ONE DAY all summer that felt the way summer should. The rest of the days felt caught in the shuffle. He's cranky, its hot, someone missed a nap, the to-do list doesn't end.
I want to stop everything and love my family.
And so my head is in a fog. I am also still finding my long lost way in this world of blogging. I received an email yesterday that stung. It criticized me for using readers, they did not like my post about a sale I shared. But here is the thing, if you were a friend who came over my house for dinner, I probably would have a few coupons set aside, maybe a magazine article, and certainly a deal waiting for you. I like to give gifts to people - one of my favorite gifts is discount codes, sales, or store credit somewhere. I love the thrill of the deal. So that is why I share with you. You are my friends. I would invite you all over for dinner if I could. The email did not help clear the fog.
How is that for a random Thursday post? I may or may not post tomorrow. But there is definitely a Saturday Shoes around the bend.